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Varshney Accepts Pre-Paid Offer from Tracfone (NYSE: AMX)

By The Associated Press



Sunday, 22 September, 2002



WESTWOOD
(AP) -- In a recent move that many say would shift the balance of game
once and for all in favor of the up and coming South Asian, Rahul
Varshney has acquired a pre-paid cellular phone plan from Tracfone, an
America Movil affiliate. Unbeknownst to most, America Movil is Latin
America's largest mobile phone provider at 27 million wireless
subscribers in 10 countries.



A few analysts on Wall Street are
skeptical of the move and think it may be of little more use than "to
let Mummy and Papa know where he's at at all times." Bupinder Singh, a
long time follower of mobile moves on the Nasdaq, thinks that Mr.
Varshney, "is just a 'wannabe' playboy that thinks having a cell phone
is all that's missing from his 'killer-Cali' lifestyle."



"He needs to understand that the big shakers on Sunset, they don't... well they don't look to kindly on Nokia 5100 users."



Apparently,
the Nokia 5100 is Tracfone's only digital model. Many share Mr. Singh's
sympathies and have duly expressed their worries. What makes the
situation all the more alarming is that even close friends of Mr.
Varshney have expressed their doubts. "Have you seen the size of this
thing! Honestly, I would be embarrassed to ask for a girl's number and
then whip out this monstrosity. It's almost like he's over-compensating
for something." Our source chose not to reveal his name because, as he
put it, "If Rahul found out I was making claims about his [size] he'd
probably hunt me down and fart on me or something."



But many
others think it's a positive move and definitely a step in the right
direction. "Do you know how many numbers of girls Rahul has stored in
my cell phone? Do you have any idea?" When pressed further the male
held up two fingers. "Well, actually, one was his sister's phone
number, but still, it's annoying!"



It seems then that the
bottom line is that this cell phone has been activated, but with the
minutes being as expensive as they are (150 additional minutes for a
current retail value of $49.99), Mr. Varshney plans on making very
limited use of his phone.



"It's really like a pager to me. I
mean, I can still make my [illegally] free calls from campus, and it's
not like my friends won't still have their cell phones. Shit, you
thought this meant the end of me bumming minutes off my friends? Hell
no!"



Mr. Varshney's arrogance and forthrightness have come as
a shock to even his closest friends. A few chose to speak out on the
condition of anonymity. "You mean this whole time, this whole time, he
was just friends with me because of my minutes? Because of my unlimited
mobile to mobile? I've told him some of my deepest and darkest
secrets," professed Varshney's fellow co-worker.



Strange, because Mr. Varshney is currently unemployed.



Nonetheless,
this real, but implausible, character went on, "I really thought he was
listening. I really thought he cared. Now I know that to him, I was
nothing more than a trick-ass whore, and to me he was nothing more than
my two-cent pimp." The next interviewee put it more bluntly, "That man
has lead us on a wild goose chase... And I don't even like eggs!"



In
their bewilderment, the sole consolation they took was that they would
be able to call Mr. Varshney on his new number in an attempt at
retribution. "To all those that have ever felt the ire of Mr.
Varshney's wrath, or the placated nature of his placatedness, tell him
directly, at his new number, 408-315-7022," proclaimed an especially
bitter woman.



And what was Mr. Varshney's response to all of
this? "Fuck 'em. If they checked the details of this plan, they'd know
that voicemail is free as long as I check it from a land line." Mr.
Varshney seemed to be quite content

with this knowledge, to the point where he made a somewhat silly grin.



He then asked for his finger to be pulled.